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The following quotations have been collected over the years. Some are profound while others are simply funny. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Update: February 10, 2008 (5 new quotations appears at the bottom of this page) Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. ‑ Unknown . After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone." ‑ Larry Brown . Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. ‑ Mae West . When in doubt, duck. ‑ Malcolm Forbes . You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. ‑ Mark Twain . Television is democracy at its ugliest. ‑ Paddy Chayevsky . Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. ‑ Erma Bombeck . The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children. ‑ Unknown . My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib. ‑ Woody Allen . Sex is natural, but not if it's done right. ‑ Unknown . Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. ‑ Garrison Kiellor . It is more fun contemplating someone else's navel than your own. ‑ Arthur Hoppe . Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. ‑ A.H. Weiler . Plato was a bore. ‑ Friedrich Nietzsche . Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. ‑ Leo Tolstoy . What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has been declared. ‑ Napolean Bonaparte . Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. ‑ Kin Hubbard . Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser. ‑ Unknown . My toughest fight was with my first wife. ‑ Muhammad Ali . I'm immortal... so far. ‑ Earle Robinson . It is in the ability to deceive oneself that the greatest talent is shown. ‑ Anatole France . No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood. ‑ Anonymous . Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. ‑ General George S. Patton . By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ‑ Socrates . Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. ‑ Henny Youngman . A string of reproaches against other people leads one to suspect the existence of a string of self‑reproaches with the same content. ‑ Sigmund Freud . A citizen can hardly distinguish between a tax and a fine, except that a fine is generally much lighter. ‑ G.K. Chesterson . Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons, but one out of every one. ‑ Dr. Karl Menninger . The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to pose new questions which time and mediocrity can resolve. ‑ H.R. Trevor‑Roper . There are more important things in life than a little money, and one of them is a lot of money. ‑ Anonymous . There is no stronger craving in the world than that of the rich for titles, except that of the titled for riches. ‑ Hesketh Pearson . The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Check Enclosed." ‑ Dorothy Parker . I never write "metropolis" for seven cents because I can get the same price for "city." I never write "policeman" because I can get the same money for "cop." ‑ Mark Twain . There is a great discovery still to be made in literature: That of paying literary men for the quantity they do not write. ‑ Thomas Carlyle . Blessed are they who have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it. ‑ James Russell Lowell . He who would do some great things in this short life must apply himself to work with such a concentration of force such that, to idle spectators who live only to amuse themselves, it looks like insanity. ‑ Francis Parkman . They copied all they could copy, But they couldn't copy my mind; And I left them sweatin' and stealin', A year‑and‑a‑half behind. ‑ Rudyard Kipling . If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. ‑ Fred Allen . You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves. ‑ Michael Wilding . If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. ‑ Anatole France . If you took all the economists in the world and laid them end‑to‑end, it would be a pretty good idea. ‑ Anonymous . The Great Big Black Things that have loomed against the horizon of my life, threatening to devour me, simply loomed and nothing more. The things that have really made me miss my train have always been sweet, soft, pretty, pleasant things of which I was not in the least afraid. ‑ Elbert Hubbard . Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think. ‑ Alexander Pope . Words are loaded pistols. ‑ Jean‑Paul Sartre . The dinosaurs's eloquent lesson is that if some bigness is good, an overabundance of bigness is not necessarily better. ‑ Eric Johnston . The taxpayer: Someone who works for the government but doesn't have to take a civil service examination. ‑ Ronald Reagan . An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. ‑ Dylan Thomas . Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal. ‑ Steve Rubenstein . Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. ‑ Timothy Leary . Woman are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I wouldn't like to own one. ‑ W.C. Fields . You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. ‑ Dolly Parton . The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job. ‑ Lena Horne . Any new venture goes through the following stages: Enthusiasm, complication, disillusionment, search for the guilty, punishment of the innocent and decoration of those who did nothing. ‑ Unknown . The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. ‑ George Miller . Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal. ‑ Albert Einstein . Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. ‑ Will Rogers . The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective. ‑ Al Neuharth . Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. ‑ Chi Chi Rodriguez . No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched. ‑ George Hean Nathan . Here's to our wives and sweethearts ‑‑ may they never meet. ‑ John Bunny . There are only two ways of telling the complete truth: Anonymously and posthumously. ‑ Thomas Sowell . There is only one thing about which I am certain, and that is that there is very little about which one can be certain. ‑ W. Somerset Maugham . I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. ‑ Jerome K. Jerome . I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. ‑ Carrie Snow . I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. ‑ Mark Twain . There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. ‑ Winston Churchill . The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. ‑ Mark Russell . I'm not an ambulance chaser. I'm usually there before the ambulance. ‑ Melvin Belli . Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. ‑ H. L. Mencken . Silence is argument carried on by other means. ‑ Ernesto "Che" Guevara . As scarce as the truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand. ‑ Josh Billings . It is impossible to feel the equal of someone who's been awake longer than you. ‑ Mary Gordon ("Final Payments") . Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ‑ Garrison Keillor . Promise, large promise, is the soul of an advertisement. ‑ Samuel Johnson . Properly speaking, there is no such thing as education. Education is simply the soul of a society as it passes from one generation to another. Whatever the soul is like, it will have to pass on somehow, consciously or unconsciously, and that transition may be called education. ‑ G. K. Chesterson . If you pick up a dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. ‑ Mark Twain . You can't use tact with a Congressman. A congressman is a hog. You must take a stick and hit him on the snout. ‑ Henry Adams . When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done. ‑ Kin Hubbard . The most important difference between business and academia is this: In business everything is dog eat dog. In academia it is just the reverse. ‑ E. John Rosenwald, Jr. . Man is a thinking animal, a talking animal, a toolmaking animal, a building animal, a political animal, a fantasizing animal. But, in the twilight of a civilization he is chiefly a taxpaying animal. ‑ Hugh MacLennan . As a member of an escorted tour, you don't even have to know the Matterhorn isn't a tuba. ‑ Temple Fielding . It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. ‑ Benjamin Disraeli . In American, an hour is about 40 minutes. ‑ German Saying . Owing money has never concerned me so long as I know where it could be repaid. ‑ Colonel Henry Crown . Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose. ‑ Beverley Nichols . Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they be married too. ‑ H. L. Mencken . There is not money in poetry, but then there is not poetry in money, either. ‑ Robert Graves . Poets, we know, are very sensitive people, and in my observation, one of the things they are most sensitive about is cash. ‑ Robert Penn Warren . You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone. ‑ John Ciardi . People who read me seem to be divided into four groups: Twenty‑five percent like me for the right reasons; 25% like me for the wrong reasons; 25% hate me for the wrong reasons; 25% hate me for the right reasons. It's that last 25% that worries me. ‑ Robert Frost . Originality is the art of concealing your source. ‑ Franklin P. Jones . The command, "Be fruitful and multiply," was promulgated, according to our authorities, when the population of the world consisted of two persons. ‑ Dean William R. Inge . One function of diplomacy is to dress realism in morality. ‑ Will and Ariel Durant . No man would listen to you if he didn't know it was his turn next. ‑ Ed Howe . It is alright to hold a conversation but you should let go of it now and then. ‑ Richard Armour . One man with courage makes it a majority. ‑ Andrew Jackson . Man is demolishing nature. We are killing things that keep us alive. ‑ Thor Heyerdahl . To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves. ‑ Claude Adrien Helvetius . The great dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well‑meaning but without understanding. ‑ Justice Louis D. Brandeis . He led his regiment from behind‑ /He found it less exciting. /But when away his regiment ran, /His place was in the fore, O. ‑ W. S. Gilbert . Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught. ‑ Winston Churchill . A neighborhood is where, when you go out of it, you get beat up. ‑ Murray Kempton . The only prize much cared for by the powerful is power. The prize of the general is not a bigger tent, but command. ‑ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr . A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years. ‑ Wendell L. Willkie . There is no future in any job. The future lies in the man who holds the job. ‑ Dr. George Crane . If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs. ‑ William Feather . By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day. ‑ Robert Frost . Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstances. ‑ Bruce Barton .
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ‑ Austin O'Malley . In my opinion, we are in danger of developing a cult of the Common Man, which means a cult of mediocrity. ‑ Herbert Hoover . I reckon there's as much human nature in some folks as there is in others, if not more. ‑ Edwards Noyes Wescott . It is the mark of the cultured man that he is aware of the fact that equality is an ethical and not a biological principle. ‑ Ashley Montagu . There is only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment: The human ego. ‑ Marshall Lumsden . Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. ‑ William Jennings Bryan . When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours." ‑ Vine Deloria, Jr. .
If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. ‑ Henry David Thoreau . Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. ‑ Ambrose Bierce . It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. ‑ George Bernard Shaw . Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. ‑ Mary Ellen Kelly . The truth is more important than the facts. ‑ Frank Lloyd Wright . Wagner's music is better than it sounds. ‑ Mark Twain . The greater the number of laws and enactments, the more thieves and robbers there will be. ‑ Lao‑tzu (604‑531 B.C.) . Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them, you reach your destiny. ‑ Carl Schurz . Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning. ‑ Marlo Thomas . I don't care what you say, women make the best wives. ‑ Dagwood Bumstead . Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended. ‑ Zsa Zsa Gabor . Genius is perseverance in disguise. ‑ Mike Newlin . Love: Two minds without a single thought. ‑ Philip Barry . Power doesn't corrupt people, people corrupt power. ‑ William Gaddis . All animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it. ‑ Samuel Butler , A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. ‑ Josh Billings . The trouble with a kitten is That Eventually it becomes a Cat. ‑ Ogden Nash . Human beings are the only animals of which I am thoroughly and cravenly afraid. ‑ George Bernard Shaw . Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment. ‑ Mark Twain . An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. ‑ G.K. Chesterson . Woman's liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that. ‑ Golda Meir . The man who regards his own life and that of his fellow creatures as meaningless is not merely unfortunate, but almost disqualified for life. ‑ Albert Einstein . There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. ‑ Oscar Wilde . This is the last one. ‑ Ron VanAbrahams
. Life is to be enjoyed and if it is not, it makes people ill in one way or another.
‑ Louise Bogan . When the party gets boring it's time to go home. ‑ Mr. Hollywood . How can the arts overcome the slow dying of men's hearts that we call the progress of the world...?
‑ Yeats . I must create a system myself or be enslaved by another man's.
‑ Blake . Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. ‑ Goethe . There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.
‑ George Bernard Shaw . The only measure of a man's usefulness is the extent to which he exercises his talent, according to the laws of his own growth, for the common good.
‑ Stanley Kunitz . Private faces in public places are wiser and nicer than public faces in private places.
‑ W. H. Auden . Sculpture is what you bump into when you back up to look at a painting.
‑ Ed Reinhart . No matter how hard you throw a dead fish into the water, it still won't swim.
‑ Marian Stevens . Whenever a rock falls, it is good to go forward and meet it. That's the adventure. ‑ Henry Miller . It is not down in any map; true places never are. ‑ Melville . If one is forever cautious, can one remain a human being? ‑ Solzhenitsyn . Only the wildest animals need cages.
‑ Donald Hall . Horses with free rein will travel where others have been before.
‑ John Steinbeck . I don't find any correlation between size and greatness. ‑ Woody Allen . Hesitate or fumble and you are done for. Think only of the jump.
‑ Virginia Woolf . Some people strengthen the society just by being the kind of people they are. ‑ John Gardner . If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey. ‑ Earl Wilson . A quart cannot become a gallon.
‑ Malaysian Proverb . When one doesn't know how to dance, he says the ground is wet.
‑ Malaysian Proverb . A knowledge of Sanskrit is of little use to a man trapped in a sewer.
‑ Tom Weller . The glad man is he who does not lose his child's heart.
‑ K'ung Fu‑tse . What is the use of lighting the lamp if there is no wick?
‑ Malaysian Proverb . He who requires much from himself and little from others will be secure from hatred.
‑ K'ung Fu‑tse . An empty bus travels fast.
‑ Tom Weller . A man who knows that he is a fool is not a great fool.
‑ Chuang Tzu . Falling hurts least those who fly low.
‑ Chinese Proverb . A man with a clear conscience does not tremble at a midnight knock on his gate.
‑ Chinese Proverb . If a ruby falls in a puddle, it will not lose it's luster.
‑ Malaysian Proverb . Where there is sugar, there are ants. ‑ Malaysian Proverb . Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats. ‑ Howard Aiken . Because the water is still, you must not think there is no crocodile there.
‑ Malaysian Proverb . Three helping one another will do as much as six men singly.
‑ Spanish Proverb . He who is afraid of asking is ashamed of learning. ‑ Danish Proverb . The only sin is self‑hatred.
‑ Paul Williams . Even a small star shines in the darkness.
‑ Danish Proverb . The absent are always at fault.
‑ Spanish Proverb . Nodding the head does not row the boat.
‑ Irish Proverb . There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home.
‑ Mark Twain . Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
‑ Yugoslav Proverb . He who knows does not speak He who speaks does not know
‑ Lao Tzu . That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ‑ Friedrich Nietzche . I was angry at a friend I told my wrath; my wrath did end. I was angry at a foe I told him not; my wrath did grow.
‑ William Blake . Religion without science is blind. Science without religion is lame.
‑ Albert Einstein . The radical invents the new ideas, and when he has worn them out the conservative adopts them
‑ Mark Twain . Any sufficiently advanced technology would be indistinguishable from magic.
‑ Arthur C. Clark . The unreasonable man is the one who expects the world to adapt to his needs, the reasonable man is the one who adapts himself to suit the world. Therefore, all progress depends upon the unreasonable man.
‑ George Bernard Shaw . I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of crashing.
‑ Neil Simon . Wait until your father gets home!
‑ Mom . When I'm good, I'm good but when I'm bad, I'm better.
‑ Mae West . I like to keep an open mind, But not so open that my brain falls out.
‑ Judge Harry Stone . Work hard and learn patience. Always remember that your greatest asset is your reputation.
‑ Li Ka‑shing . Oops !!!!!!!!!
‑ Captain Smith (of the Titanic) .
If all the horses in the world say neigh, then where do the little ones come from.
‑ Globe and Mail June 21, 1989
Performance is a reflection of attitude.
‑ Unknown Author . Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance
‑ Unknown Author
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
‑ Unknown Author . Reality is based on perception.
‑ Joe West . An optimist thinks the glass is half full. A pessimist thinks it is half empty. A realist knows that if he sticks around, eventually he's going to have to wash the glass.
‑ Globe and Mail January 16 & 19, 1991 .
It is better to keep quiet and thought a fool than to speak and leave no doubt.
‑ Unknown Author
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To err is human To forgive is against departmental policy
‑ Unknown Author .
The pleasures of childhood can never compare with the joys of adultery
‑ Unknown Author .
The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.
‑ Sutin's Second Law .
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
‑ Alfred Adler .
No matter how busy people are, they're never to busy to stop and talk about how busy they are.
‑ Globe and Mail October 7, 1992
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"Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
‑ Redd Foxx .
You know your're well adjusted if you can enjoy the scenery while having to take a detour.
‑ Globe and Mail October 14, 1992 .
It takes more than hard work to get ahead, you have to brown‑nose too.
‑ Bud Dry Commercial
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Change is inevitable. It's better to embrace change rather than fight it. It makes it easier to manipulate it.
‑ Joe West .
Imagination is far more powerful than knowledge.
‑ Albert Einstein
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The rich man may never get into heaven, but the pauper is already serving his term in hell.
‑ Alexander Chase (1966)
Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Moer's truism: The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one of a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.
Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will.
Murphy's Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.
O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.
Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit.
Ehrman's Commentary Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?
Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: Nothing ever goes away.
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re‑can them is to use a bigger can.
Non‑Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
Klipstein's Law: Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
Interchangeable parts won't.
You never find a lost article until you replace it.
Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
You get the most of what you need the least.
The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.
First Law of Revision: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after ‑ and only after ‑ the plans are complete. (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)
Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.
Corollary to the First Law of Revision: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VIII. Any non‑trivial program contains at least one bug.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.
Wyszkowski's Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Sattinger's Law It works better if you plug it in.
Lowery's Law: If it jams ‑ force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Schmidt's Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
Anthony's Law of Force Don't force it ‑ get a bigger hammer.
Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Gordon's First Law: If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.
Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. ‑ Bokonon
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.
Don't get mad, get even.
Carson's Law: It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.
Mark's mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Korman's conclusion: The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.
Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.
Wyszowski's Law: No experiment is reproducible.
Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
The first Myth of Management: It exists.
Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.
Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.
Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Segal's Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Vique's Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Jone's Motto: Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
Churchill's commentary on man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
The ultimate Law: All general statements are false.
The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something; if it is good, it goes away. if it is bad, it happens.
The Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.
The First Law of Wing Walking: Never let go of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
Langsam's Law: Everything depends.
Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away.
Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage. Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.
Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
First Postulate of Isomurphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
The Unapplicable Law: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.
Perkin's postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.
This person must be fired.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
MacDonald's Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.
First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
Horngren's Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case.
Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Matz's warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Lewis' Law: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.
Forgive and remember.
Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Gallois' Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.
Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.
Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.
Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Avery's Observation: It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock. A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock. A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.
Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.
Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Goldwyn's Law of Contracts. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Jone's Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have.
Langin's Law: If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.
Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.
Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.
Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer.
Klipstein's Lament: All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Klipstein's Observation: Any product cut to length will be too short.
Sueker's Note: If you need n items of anything, you will have n ‑ 1 in stock.
Rosenfield's Regret: The most delicate component will be dropped.
de la Lastra's Law: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
de la Lastra's Corollary: After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold‑down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
Design flaws travel in groups.
You can't fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it.
Gerrold's Fundamental Truth: It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.
Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.
Lyall's Addendum: ... in the direction of maximum harm.
Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative. H. L. Mencken
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. H. L. Mencken
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it. H. L. Menchen
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. H.L. Menchen
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. H. L. Menchen
Arcana Coelestica: Archbishop ‑ A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that obtained by Christ. Puritanism ‑ The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. H. L. Menchen
Adultery is the application of democracy to love. H. L. Menchen
The Arithmetic of Cooperation: When you're adding up committees there's a useful rule of thumb: that talents make a difference, and follies make a sum. Piet Hein
The Ultimate Wisdom Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection. Piet Hein
Murphy's Military Laws: 1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
Murphy's Military Laws: 2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Murphy's Military Laws: 3. Friendly fire ain't.
Murphy's Military Laws: 4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
Murphy's Military Laws: 5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
Murphy's Military Laws: 6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
Murphy's Military Laws: 7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Murphy's Military Laws: 8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
Murphy's Military Laws: 9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
Murphy's Military Laws: 10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
Murphy's Military Laws: 11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
Murphy's Military Laws: 12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
Murphy's Military Laws: 13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Murphy's Military Laws: 14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Murphy's Military Laws: 15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
Murphy's Military Laws: 16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Conrad's Conundrum: Technologies don't transfer.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. Herbert Hoover
Life is simply a temporary job. Joe West
Procrastinate when you have time
Joe West
Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail
Luciano Pavarotti
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere
Orben's Current Comedy
A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.
Haitian Farmer
Being a career woman is harder than being a career man. You've got to look like a lady, act like a man and work like a dog
Margot Kider
Smart is when you believe only half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you know which half to believe.
Orben's Current Comedy
By definition, the silent majority does not make a lot of noise, it is content to make history
Pierre Elliot Trudeau
A day without puns is like a day without sunshine; there is gloom for improvement.
John S. Crosbie
Canada has two official languages and I don't speak none of them.
Eugene Whelan, MP
The nice thing about teamwork is that you always have others on your side.
Margaret Carty
Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
Pierre Elliot Trudeau
Yes, I am growing older. But the important word in that sentence is not `older'. It is `growing'.
Joan Sutton
Your strengths maximized become a liability. MBTI Training Course
Myths are to culture as dreams are to individuals.
Unknown Author
Don't be roadkill on the information super‑highway.
Unknown Author
EVERY EXPERT WAS ONCE A BEGINNER
Unknown Author
You can't have too much fun!
Bill Segura
Aviation in itself is not inherently dangerous. But to an even greater degree than the sea, it is terribly unforgiving of any carelessness, incapacity, or neglect.
Unknown Author
"GOD created TIME so everything would not happen at ONCE. GOD created SPACE so everything would not happen to ME."
Unknown Author
‑ If we could first know where we are, and whither we are tending, we could then better judge what to do, and how to do it. Abe Lincoln
"The significant problems that we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them."
Al Einstein
People usually get what they deserve . . . . . . Except for lawyers.
from the movie "Body of Evidence"
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Anonymous
The government isn't spying on you. You're not that important.
InterNet Message
Liberty is the right to do whatever the law permits.
Charles Louis Montesquieu
Everything that deceives appears to cast a spell upon the mind. Plato
The secret of Education is respecting the pupil.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.
Gertrude Stein
When the null hypothesis gets rejected, it does not feel upset or discouraged.
A. Feingold
The future ain't what it used to be.
Yogi Berra or Arthur C. Clarke
Don't sacrifice what could be for what should be.
Anonymous
Don't get caught between the dog and the fire hydrant.
Dr. Sam
The computer is our second most complex interface with reality. Language is our most complex tool.
Anonymous
Utopia is not an option.
Anton Sherwood ‑ Internet
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Wernher Von Braun
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw
He that lives on hope will die fasting.
Benjamin Franklin
I don't care if a soldier is straight as long as he can shoot straight. Barry Goldwater
If you think you have influence, try ordering around someone else=s dog.
Internet message
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde
... who noticed that the cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Internet message
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
Oscar Wilde
If you leave your worries on the doorstep, how is opportunity going to be able to get to the door to knock?
Globe and Mail
Success is that old A‑B‑C ‑ ability, breaks and courage. Charles Luckman
If people knew what they had to do to be successful, most people wouldn't.
Lord Thomson of Fleet
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
CL
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Internet message
Even in the land of milk and honey, somebody has to tend the cows and hives.
Globe and Mail
What makes equality such a difficult business is that we only want it with our superiors.
Henry Becque ‑ French dramatist
Whenever I make a mistake, the whole world changes.
Dr. Frasier Crane
Do or do not, there is no try.
Yoda Never tell me the odds.
Hans Solo
Fear is not an option.
Jamie Lee Curtis ‑ from the movie "True Lies"
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you don't have to work.
Ogden Nash
Men don't use sex to get what they want, It's all men want is sex.
Dr. Frasier Crane
Education allows you to become neurotic about a greater number of things.
The Globe and Mail November 25, 1995.
Scientists have discovered that infertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have children, neither will you.
Internet Message
No snowflake ever felt responsible for an avalanche.
Unknown
Make me one with everything. Buddha to the Hot Dog Vendor
When my brain finally figures something out, I like to hold on to it for awhile before I find out it's all wrong.
Ruthie (One Big Happy)
All human actions are equivalent...and...all are on principle doomed...
Jean‑Paul Sartre (Being and Nothingness, Conclusions, sct.2)
There is nothing permanent except change.
Heraclitus
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charlie Brown
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
Hubert H. Humphrey
Life is complex, it has both real and imaginary parts.
Anonymous No doubt the world is entirely an imaginary world, but it is only once removed from the true world.
Isaac Basheuis Singer
Why is it if we talk to God, it's called praying, but if God talks to us, it's called schizophrenia?
Lily Thomlin
There comes to all men ultimately the awareness that this earth is the wrong place.
G.K. Chesterton
Childhood joys are sometimes twisted.
Anonymous
Even when we're all pulling together, it's still just jerking off.
L.D.E.
Did Mother Theresa ever say: "Let's do a cost analysis first?"
Marsha Free
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend, Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
One of my greatest fears is that I'll die with unused credit on my card.
Stanley Parker
If a computer crashes in cyberspace, does it make a sound?
Internet message
Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Lewis Grizzard
If a man is in the forest talking to himself with no women around....is he still wrong?
Internet message
Don't be humble, you're not that great!
Internet message
"He who laughs last just thought of someone he could blame it on."
Internet message
Some people look at what is, and ask, "Why?" Some people think of what isn't, and ask, "Why not?" Some of us have jobs and don't have time for any of that shit!
Internet message
"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too"
Henry L. Mencken
"The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong."
Archie Bunker
"Before marriage a man yearns for a woman. Afterward the "y" is silent."
W.A. Clarke
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
Jackie Mason
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."
Red Skelton
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"A man in love is like a clipped coupon ‑‑ it's time to cash in."
Mae West
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."
Henny Youngman
"I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me."
Dick Martin
"A man would prefer to come home to an unmade bed and a happy woman than to a neatly made bed and an angry woman."
Marlene Dietrich
"When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
Prince Philip Edinburgh
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough."
Groucho Marx "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
unknown
"Married men may have better halves while bachelors have better quarters"
unknown
"Courtship is a period during which a women decides whether or not she can do better"
unknown
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age ‑‑ as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
Erma Bombeck
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Unknown
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Unknown
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Unknown
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Unknown
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months ‑ I don't like to interrupt her.
Unknown
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Unknown
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother‑in‑law better than I like mine."
Unknown
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Unknown
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Unknown
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Unknown
Who gives a damn about apathy?
Internet message
Luck is when preparation meets opportunity unknown
I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints cause the sinners are much more fun. Billy Joel ‑ (from AOnly the good die young@)
The older I get, the better I was. unknown
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. unknown
Admit Nothing, Blame Everyone, Be Bitter. unknown
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. unknown
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. unknown
Having a wonderful time. Where am I? unknown
Why can't women learn to leave the toilet seat up? unknown
"I've been wrestling with reality for 35 years and I'm happy Doctor; I've finally won out over it."
(Jimmy Stewart from HARVEY)
Somethings are true whether you believe them or not.
Seth (from City of Angels)
The worse vice is advice
Al Pacino (from The Devil's Advocate)
Don't put off til tomorrow, what you can put off indefinitely.
‑ Anonymous
Murphy's Computer Laws
As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.
Installing a new program will always screw up at least one old one.
The computer will work perfectly at the repair shop.
The first place to look for a lost file is the last place you would expect to find it.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors on the way to the printer.
Regardless of the program, you won't have enough hard disk space to install it.
The easier it is to get into a program, the harder it will be to get out.
Every machine will eventually fall apart.
In a computer manual, any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
If you hit two keys on the keyboard simultaneously, the one that you don't want will appear on the screen.
The probability of anything going wrong is in inverse proportion to its desirability.
No matter how long you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale cheaper the next day.
The computer only crashes when printing a document you haven't saved.
If you make a copy of your system configuration nine out of ten times, the tenth time is the only time you'll need it.
The more pounds the package weighs, the harder it will be to find the installation instructions.
The need for space on a disk will always exceed the available space by ten percent.
The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up.
There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed ‑ yet.
Before you do something, you have to do something else first.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.
Don't let any mechanical device know that you're in a hurry.
If it's worth doing, it's worth hiring someone who knows how to do it.
The one piece of data you're absolutely sure is correct, isn't.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
The writer will find the typos after the letter is mailed.
End Murphy's computer laws
We had a great neighbourhood watch going when I was a kid...until she closed her curtains. unknown
He's what every woman wants ‑ strong, sensitive ... battery operated! unknown
There is no truth in the rumour that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger sued him for palomino‑mony. unknown
The latest product on the market in the continuing war against white ants ‑ it's called 'Arson'. unknown
Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor licence. unknown
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? unknown Marriage ‑ nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers. unknown
OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently? unknown
Graffiti: Dyslexics of the world ‑ untie! unknown
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is more than I can say for the three passengers he had in his car at the time. unknown
My friend is so full of self‑importance ‑ when he dies, he wants his mail forwarded. unknown
..He's also a master of the English language. He's the only bloke I know who can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Pardon without using his hands! unknown
I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Burger King and Pizza Hut. unknown
I always keep a coathanger in the glove box ‑ just in case I locked my keys in the car. unknown
When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you. unknown
Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard can find it. unknown
I can't wait to get really old ‑ then I can actually pick my nose in public. unknown
Dumb? He's so dumb whenever he leaves his car he leaves the windows down so he won't lock himself out. unknown
My father never liked me. As a kid we'd play trains ‑ he used to tie me to the tracks!
...And he used to give me bath toys like electric toasters and hair dryers. unknown
When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the courage to ask the chemist for a packet of condoms. Now it takes me even longer to choose which colour. unknown
Women! First they marry you for your money....then they divorce you for it! unknown
I told her I'd take her on a ocean cruise ‑ she said she'd rather a Tom Cruise. unknown My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking. unknown
I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, "You did last night ‑ three times!" unknown
He's just a bit kinky ‑ only went through nursing school so he could wear white pantyhose. unknown
We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the Mercedes ‑ then they kicked us out of the showroom. unknown
I'm gradually getting my body back into shape ‑ at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise. unknown
Loser? He's such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a hotel room against his will. Problem was he was all alone. unknown
My wife had a sex change...Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's instead of Tuesday's and Friday's. unknown
You know when your losing you're figure when you come home and find your husband wearing your bra and panties ‑ and he looks better in them. unknown
Ugly? He's so ugly in the school play he played the hunchback of Notre Dame...without make‑up. unknown
My mother‑in‑law told me exercise helps burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker. unknown
We have a self‑cleaning refrigerator ‑ she leaves stuff in there so long, it eventually crawls out under it's own steam. unknown
My psychiatrist says I'm manic‑depressive ‑ I have mixed feelings about that. unknown
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words ‑ "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been". unknown
He was an unwanted child ‑ his parents gave him plastic bags to play with. unknown
Enough is enough ‑ unless of course you're a nymphomaniac! unknown
In America any boy may become President. It's just one of the risks he takes. Adlai Stevenson
If your mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut too.
Unkonwn
Even a paranoid can have enemies. ‑ Henry Kissinger
...Always remember: the ark was built by amateurs the Titanic was built by professionals.
The impossible we do immediately, miracles may take a little longer.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere !!
To forgive is divine, but to beat me up would hurt!!!
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Shoot for the moon...even if you miss, You'll land among the stars... ~Les Brown~
In life, pain is inevitable, misery is optional, and attitude is everything."
Death is as light as a feather, duty is as heavy as a mountain.
Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head. unknown
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa...not screaming in terror, like his passengers. unknown
We already have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
Too much of a good thing is wonderful. Mae West
Once in a while I know what I'm talking about... the rest of the time I agree with you. Anonymous
Sometimes the hardest thing is to let people live their own lives. Joe West
Lead me not into temptation, I know the way myself. Internet quote
We arrive in the world cold, naked, hungry and screaming, then things go downhill from there. Internet quote
Love is blind... that's why men just feel their way around. Internet quote
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift we call the Present. Internet quote
Cheer up. You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. Internet quote
Good girls go to heaven ‑ I go wherever the hell I want Internet quote
Secrets to a Happy Marriage from a Male Point of View 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet. Internet quote
I'm trying to see things from your perspective but I can't stick my head up my ass that far!!! T‑shirt quote
I know I can have it all, but can I get it delivered? T‑shirt quote
You have to feel sorry for those people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra
Dear Santa, I can explain!!!! Internet quote
better a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs‑and‑ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' ‑ the pig was 'committed.' ‑ Unknown
------ Start Government Truisms ------
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress But then I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
- G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours’ to live at the expense of everybody else.
- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
- P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
- Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
- Unknown
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly native American criminal class, save Congress.
- Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson
"Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem. If no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else?"
- Ronald Reagan, First Inaugural Address, January 20, 1981.
------ End Government Truisms ------
A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor in the park and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor makes him a hot dog with everything on it and hands it to him, saying, "That will be $5." The Zen Buddhist hands him $20 and waits patiently. After nothing happens, he says, "Where is my change?" The hot dog vendor says, "Change is within." And he slowly walks away.
Don't fight the voices in your head, embrace them for they are wise. Anonymous
I'm a non‑violent gambler. I never hit a jackpot.
Roz from the comic strip 'Shoe'
The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake. You can't learn anything from being perfect. Adam Osborne 1939‑2003
Ambition is the last refuge of failure Oscar Wilde
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling. unknown
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway unknown
It's not denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept. Calvin
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious issues unknown
I used to have super human powers, but my therapist took them away. unknown
Atheism is a non‑prophet organization unknown
Keeping you nose to the grindstone, gives you a bloody nose. - Joe West
Alan: A kiss is a hint of what's to come. Tera: A kiss is the Christmas eve of sex. Alan and Tera - Boston Legal
“One-night-stands get a little old after a while, Herb.” Les Nessman - five-time winner of the "Buckeye Newshawk Award," the "Silver Sow Award" and the "Copper Cobb Award"
If you shoot for the stars and land in the mud, you still have a goal to achieve. - Joe West
Meow. Robin© the Cat
Failure is a sign of progress. John Tesh
If at first you don’t succeed, Consider being a role model … for failure. Joe West
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This site was last updated 10/16/08